


Azog Smash

by Chelidona (Hobbity), islandkate



Series: Middle Earth NOT Midgard! [1]
Category: The Almighty Johnsons, The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anders is actually Bragi, Crack, Crack Crossover, FiKi Week, Fix-It, Hulk can fix it, M/M, Marvel canon is almost completely ignored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8371480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona, https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate
Summary: Due to an accident at the Bifrost, Thor, Loki and Hulk are drawn into the Battle of the Five Armies - making it the Battle of the Six Armies, the sixth army consisting of the Hulk, Thor, Loki and an unwilling Bragi (Almight Johnsons). Hulk takes a dislike to the pale orc and everybody lives, though maybe not too happily after Loki mixes things up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you @Lakritzwolf for the beta!

Heimdall was having a hard time keeping his impassive façade. Bragi was making a valiant effort of talking him into leaving the bridge for a while so he could impress his newest would-be conquest. Unfortunately for Bragi, his voice worked as little on Heimdall as it did on Valkyries. He would not even acknowledge this ridiculous request and just ignored the small blond god.

He sighed inwardly though when he saw Loki riding towards them. What did the prince want now? Normal people would have shunned the rainbow bridge after nearly falling off it, but not the god of mischief. Oh no. Ever since that little incident - for which he should have been thrown into prison - he seemed fascinated by the bridge.

Five minutes later, Bragi and Loki were embroiled in a heated argument. Decades ago Loki had pulled a prank on Bragi and Bragi had retaliated by seducing everyone Loki showed interest in. Their little feud was petty and childish and Heimdall was very nearly embarrassed that he knew about it at all.

He was so busy ignoring the two young fools, that he failed to notice when Loki shoved Bragi towards the controls of the Bifrost.

*

Middle-Earth. They had managed to get themselves pulled into Middle Earth. A realm few knew existed. When Heimdall focused his sight to zoom in onto the two accidental adventurers, a curse escaped him. A battle field. And those two idiots were running straight to where an opposing army of orcs was attacking, making it impossible to use the bifrost to single them out and bring them back.

Suppressing the impulse to go and inform Odin immediately, he remembered where Thor was. On another planet, spending time with his scary green friend. They stood on a field. Perfect.

Two minutes later, he regretted his decision when Thor was frantically trying to prevent the Hulk from smashing the Bifrost.

“Your brother requires your help,” he told Thor, when the immediate danger seemed over. “He and Lord Bragi have been pulled into the middle of a Battle on Middle Earth.”

*

Thorin had just sent his nephews to investigate the tower, while Dwalin and he were cautiously looking around in the mist.

The sound of running footsteps came towards them. They drew their weapons, anticipating the huge white orc and his henchmen … and drew back in surprise when a man appeared. At least he looked like a man: man-sized, dark hair with the strangest leather armour Thorin had ever seen. 

The man stopped. “Dwarves? What …”

He didn’t get any further. Too many things happened at once. Drums sounded and Azog appeared. Thorin’s sight had never been good, but Azog was dragging someone after him. When he lifted the dwarf up like a rag doll, Thorin recognized the blond hair.

Fíli. His precious nephew.

Azog stopped in his speech and stared at the two strange men next to Thorin, obviously distracted for a moment. Just as the pale Orc recovered and Fíli screamed at Thorin to “run” a blinding light in a whirlwind appeared between Thorin and the tower, throwing everyone to the ground.

“Fíli!” He heard Kíli screaming his brother’s name.

A loud roar drowned out the young dwarf’s voice.

Something big and green jumped up the tower.

*

Fíli had no time to think. One moment he was about to be stabbed by Azog, the next a giant green monster had thrown itself at the pale orc with a growl of fury. Fili just about managed to roll away before he would have been squashed by them. 

Azog attempted to stab the green creature, but his arm was pushed aside as if the mighty orc was nothing but a naughty child. Then Azog was picked up by his ankles and smashed against the floor.

Just like Dis would thrash linen against the washboard.

Fili’s eyesight was excellent and he had the pleasure of observing the terror on Azog’s face. The other orcs had fled.

They were wiser than Fíli. He figured that out when he was nearly smashed with Azog’s body. 

When Fíli came running out of the tower he was disoriented.

Another army of orcs had come from the North. Kíli and two elves were fighting, along with Thorin, Dwalin and no less than three men in the weirdest clothes Fíli had ever seen. One wielded a heavy hammer as if it was made out of paper.

Fíli prided himself in his skills as a warrior, but he needed a moment to adjust before he joined the fray. 

The Eagles were flying overhead. 

The only logical explanation was that he was dying and hallucinating. Or this was the ordinary way to get to the Halls of Waiting. Maybe the others had died too.

*

Thor was not confused. This was a battle. The kind of battle he liked. The orcs were bad, so everyone else was his friend.

Near him, Hulk picked up Bragi to attack Bolg with the screeching god. Sweet talk didn’t work on the Hulk. Thor grinned as he brought his hammer down on a warg. This was the first time the puny god of poetry had ever been useful in battle.

An orc as large as the pale one charged at Hulk; with a loud scream Bragi smashed the monstrosity and it tumbled off a cliff. 

Loki’s cackle could be heard over the noises of battle. The orcs were too easily confused by his illusions. 

A giant bear had joined the battle, along with an army of birds. Even by Asgardian standards, this battle was _weird_.

It was also over very quickly.

There was still a battle going on in the valley, and Thor used Mjolnir to fly straight into it. Hulk barged down the hill after him.

*

Thorin looked around. Azog was dead. Very dead. Thorin had kicked him and poked him with his sword several times to make sure.

Bolg was dead too. Kíli had tested that by the same means.

Next to him, Fili was struggling to sit up, groaning. Thorin couldn’t help himself: He pulled his nephew into a tight hug.

Then he heard his nephew’s voice from behind. “Thorin? Why are you hugging that man?”

Thorin realised a bit belated that the person he was hugging was indeed a bit too tall to be his nephew. He turned round.

“Fíli. I thought that was you.”

“Oi! Don’t call me a dwarf!”

The man’s indignation was ignored, as Fíli laughed, surprised by the sudden hug his uncle pulled him into.

“Blurry short blond with dangly moustache on my face, that’s me, Uncle. Not man-sized and moustache-free. Shouldn’t be too hard, even for you.”

“The fight is still going on in Dale.” The cool voice of Legolas interrupted them. 

*

All the handy battle bats were gone and the battle rams had wisely legged it; by the time the little group from Ravenhill made it to the bottom, there weren’t many orcs and trolls left to fight.

They arrived in time to watch the Hulk use one troll to club several orcs to death. Thor sent his hammer after a group of fleeing orcs, flattening them all.

As soon as they reached the battlefield, the dark-haired man yelled: "I am Loki of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose!"

Everyone, including the orcs, stopped fighting to stare. Tauriel let out a delighted screech that made Legolas forget his histrionics and go onto a rampage among the orcs.

Two dwarrodams from Dain’s arming came running to fight at the stranger’s side.

*

The battle was over. The leaders of elves, dwarves and men gathered in Thranduil’s tent. And the Hobbit. And the very strange men and the green monster. So technically they were outside the tent. Thranduil was not about to let monsters, ally in battle or not, into his finely furbished tent. But the point was, they were gathered at his place. 

He was about to demand an explanation for the appearance of that strange group, when Gandalf finally made an appearance and smiled broadly. 

“Thor, Son of Odin and Loki - I am so pleased to finally meet you."

Everyone glared at Gandalf, though the two men in question bowed slightly. 

“How did you find your way to Middle Earth?” Gandalf asked, completely disregarding Thranduil and Thorin who both felt they were entitled to ask that question.

“It was a fortuitous accident.” The man addressed as Thor smiled right back. “I gather that you are one of the wizards my father often spoke about.”

“Indeed.” Gandalf pointed his staff at the Hulk. “Your friend appears to be in need of medical attention.”

There were indeed several arrows sticking out of the creature, making it look like a huge, green and angry-looking pincushion.

*

Hulk laughed. It was a loud, guttural and frankly, rather frightening sound, but the growling choked guffaws failed to deter Dwalin from his gun show. Shifting to a two-armed squatting bicep pump, he growled right back at the green beastie he was trying to distract. If he were taller than belly button high on his new friend, it might have been more effective. And if Beorn had not been behind him, matching him pose for pose at more than twice his height, Hulk might have been able to stifle his laughter.

Behind Hulk, elves and dwarves worked quickly to remove arrows from his back, arms, legs, and butt. He was safe at his current size, but if he shrunk to Bruce, it would be dangerous. Loki volunteered instantly to keep him angry, of course, but Thor still had enough of a protective streak to stop his little brother from that particular activity and settled on harassing Bruce himself. “My friend, are you aware that Beorn slew 15 more orcs than you did?”

Hulk roared, turned a darker shade of green, and threw his arms up, throwing Thranduil fifty feet away. Noticing poorly concealed snickers, he huffed and sat down on a rock, and Thorin’s foot. Thor patted him on the arm, “They will have you free soon, dear porcupine. Be glad Stark did not see you like this.”

Hulk sulked.

Meanwhile, Loki was bored. A bored god of mischief and illusion is bad, bad and terrifying. He wasn't in the mood to harass Thor. They had been getting along well these past months and he wanted to stay on Thor’s good side while it suited his own purposes. Hulk? No. One smash had been enough. Bragi? Always a favorite, but he ignored Loki’s hijinks for the most part which spoiled the fun. Maybe these new friends?

Loki waved a hand and Dwalin and Beorn changed sizes. Hulk roared with laughter. Beorn just roared. Dwalin yelled for Thorin, who was still stuck under Hulk’s bulk. He missed everything when they abruptly switched back with another wave.

Next Loki swirled his fingers and the company and elves who had been plucking arrows all randomly switched sizes and clothes. The resulting yanks pulled out several arrows with unexpected fierceness and Hulk bolted to his feet, finally releasing Thorin. Only a few arrows remained and at a height that needed elvish arms and legs to reach. Currently, Bifur possessed both and leapt upon the green man swearing and yelling in a fashion that left no doubt were Bofur had initially learned his colorful language skills. Loki, chuckled to himself, but allowed Bifur to remove the remaining arrows before switching everyone back.

He spotted the handsome blonde dwarf prince. What was his name? Kili? Fili? Milli? Vanilli? Not for the first time he wondered what those perfect lips would feel like. So short though, he hated the thought of kneeling before anyone. Then he thought again about how much that prince looked like Bragi and snapped his fingers. Just a small spell and now the blonde was the perfect height.

By this time, Bragi had come to sit next to him on the rocks and was filling him in on the negotiations and their projected departure. Loki couldn't help himself. Bragi look so similar to the blonde dwarf prince. First he gave him the prince’s hair.

Bragi felt the tingling and knew Loki was messing with his appearance. He ignored Loki, as usual, refusing to give him the satisfaction.

Loki gave the blonde god of poetry the dwarf prince’s dangling braided mustache next. But he wasn't content to stop there. After he made it hang low, he made it wobble to and fro. Then he tied it in a knot. Then he tied it in a bow. Finally he was content to leave just hang low.

Suddenly there was a scream from the healing tent and Loki forgot all about what he was doing. All the Asgardians started scrambling toward Thorin to find out what was going on, except Bragi. As Loki jogged away, another brunette approached. Big brown eyes held him mesmerized.

“Don't worry, âzyungâl, it's just Amad. Though I don't want to be anywhere near when she catches up with Uncle Thorin,” Kili murmured, dropping down to straddle Bragi’s lap.

Bragi just stared, gaping open-mouthed. Was this vision for him?

Apparently it was, because before he could process that thought fully, Kili was kissing him. Or rather, Kili was kissing Fili. Bragi had, in his impassioned hunger, completely forgotten that Loki had messed with his appearance. And he was thoroughly enjoying kissing Kili. Somewhere between the second and third gasp for air, he moved his hands to grasp the brunette’s firm buttocks and pull them as close as possible.

Across the field, Thorin squinted at the blonde before him. ‘Right, no dangly mustache bits on the blonde was the Asgardian, not his nephew. That’s what Fili had said,’ he reminded himself. He slapped the man on the shoulder, bidding him goodbye.

Fili gave his uncle a strange look, again, and merely shook his head. He continued his conversation with Loki while the others gathered. He was not prepared for Thor to call Heimdall and his stomach to launch through his throat faster than they flew through the Bifrost.

Now the screaming came from far closer than the healing tents. In fact, it seemed right next to his ears. Bragi opened his eyes and saw that the gorgeous vision he had so enjoyed kissing was staring at him and screaming in terror.

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you enjoyed this little bit of silliness nearly as much as we had outlining and writing it! Let us know ;)


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